Tuesday, 22 December 2009
Panic attacks have been occuring a lot more lately.
I've been off work for the past 4 months because of them. I'm having counselling to figure out exactly what's going on, but I don't exactly feel confident about any treatments they could give.
Ya know, and yes I AM aware of how melodramatic this sounds, but some days I feel so rough, I almost feel as though I wont live long. They get so intense, I'm often terrified that my body's just gonna pack up someday. I can't explain it any other way. I daren't say this stuff to family and friends, and my counsellor has assured me that panic attacks can't kill ya, but I can't help the feelings I get from them.
I wanna be able to watch a scary film without having to fight for breath. I wanna be able to run without fearing that it's gonna trigger a panic attack.
Anyways, sorry for the downer of an entry. Just had to get it out there cos I really feel like I'm alone and nobody knows what the hell I'm feeling or going through. AGGHHH!!
Monday, 9 November 2009
I been meaning to blog about this for a while but never got around to it. A lot of my friends already know this and find it amusing to make fun of me because of it, so I thought I'd share it with you.
As many of you know, my mother is an avid collector of fairy ornaments. Not only does she love the models, but she has pictures, books, DVD's, all full of fairy stuff. So much so, that she actually named this house 'Faerie's End'. There's even a plaque up on the wall at the front of the house with the word 'Faerie's End'.
My friends already found it amusing that a gay guy would live at such an address, but then google earth fueled the fire when the true shape of our housing estate was revealed in all it's 'Morning Glory'!!
Check this!! My house is the little red letter 'A'.
Do you see what we see?
Now check my diagram......
Forgive my dirty mind, but that's right, I'm a gay guy, living at Faerie's End, on a giant PENIS!!! I'm right in the middle of the balls!! LOL!
I feel sorry for those who live on the tip.....:-/
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
I just woke up but have got to write down the dream I had before I forget. It's freaked me out!!
Ok, the dream begins where I wake up in the morning (so I thought it was real). The first thing I always do is take a drink, then go to my window, open the blind and smoke. Sure enough, that's what I did. I was standing there for a minute or so as usual, when suddenly, I saw some strange things. Plants were moved. Like they weren't where they should be. They were casually thrown all over the place. Then I looked at the clouds and they seemed really dark strange. People seemed different. Everyone looked as if they were in deep thought. Then I saw a BIKE floating upward! It flew so high! Then, out of nowhere, a huge shadow was cast over everything. I looked up and couldn't believe my eyes. It was a planet!!!! A very weird looking planet right above earth and it looked like it was getting closer!
I freaked and ran down stairs, yelling for Mum and her husband. When I got into the living room, I found a very shaken up Adrian. 'Adrian, have you seen it?!!', I yelled. He went on to tell me that it's been on the news all day. Earth's orbit has decayed for some reason, and we're now drifting through space. The planet wasn't getting closer to us. WE were getting closer to it!
Everything was screwing up. There were patches where gravity wasn't quite right, so people were going there and floating for fun. Other weird things were happening everywhere. Everything was wrong and scary. There were new things in the sky. Tiny little moons in the distance.
I'm calling my friends to see how they are. Nobody seems particularly shaken up.
Then I find myself in a bar with some friends. Nobody seems to wanna talk about what's happening. Infact, there's a sense of calm and fun all around. I bump into my aunt who's talking to her friend about a new job offer. I hear her say 'I'm gonna go for it cos it's more money than what I'm on now'. I then wonder WHY that's a concern when we're all gonna be dead soon anyways!!
Then I'm in the mens restroom talking to guys about what's goin on. It's like they're scared to talk about it. 'How are we gonna survive without the sun? We need it for energy, food........and the Moon. Our gravity's fucked without it!!! The tide wont come in and out anymore!!'. They finally seem interested in what I'm saying.
The dream then moves again, back to my house. Adrian's watching TV again. 'Steven, they have a date now. And they've named it'. 'A date for what?', I asked. 'The end of the world', he replied. We look at the tv and there's some American guy on there giving a speech about humans and our way of life and how we all need to come together in the best of human spirits. Then another guy comes on giving the special announcement. He looks sad. '......in a time of fear for all of us, but The phenomenon known as 'Po Paul' will occur on September 10, 2010'.
Then I wake up! What the hell is 'Po Paul'?! lol!
I'm freaked here!
Saturday, 24 October 2009
'L.ive O.r L.ie'
'How far would you go to uncover the lies of someone you've never met?'
'Danger has logged on'
In a small village in England, Stephanie Hewitt's quiet life is about to be put in danger as she struggles to discover the truth about the mysterious death of the parents of someone she's never met.
Based on a true story, Stephanie Hewitt battles social anxiety and panic attacks. Out of work, stuck in the house with nothing to pass the time, she discovers an online chat programme called 'Buddy talk'. She quickly makes strong friendships online and even strikes up a romantic relationship with a popular member of the programme, a young American man (Dwight Velez), but as the relationship falls apart, the online chat community is shaken to learn that Dwight's parents have both been killed by seperate events within hours of each other.
Now, full of doubt and suspicion, Stephanie is convinced that there's more than meets the eye to the story and sets out to discover the truth, no matter what the cost.
I'm gonna keep adding the other ideas too, then figure out which one to work on. Ooh I'm excited.....lol!
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
Well, I'm doing a lot better now. I'm waiting for results of a chest X ray, but it's been over a week so I'm presuming there's nothing serious to report as I would've hopefully heard by now.
I'd joked that I had swine flu a few times, but considering how floored I've been for the past month, I really do think I've had it. I'm only just starting to eat properly again, although the anti-biotics are making it really difficult, so I'm making sure I take a Sanatogen complete multivitamin tablet every day (which are huge. I'm sure they're horse tranquilizers!).
I can't remember the last time I was at work. I spoke to my boss on the phone today and they just want me to take more time to recover fully before going back, but I feel I'm so out of the loop now, I wouldn't know where to begin going back just yet. It helps living so close to my work place, because I often see the young people that I work with out and about and recently, their comments have been helping me a lot.
Also, I want to hopefully get started back up with my singing again soon as I miss it a lot. I couldn't even talk without coughing lately, so I've steered clear of singing anything much at all, but I'm trying to change style and go more pop/R'n'B than constant country. I still love country, but my tastes have been developing lately and I wanna focus on different kinds of music. I want to record something fresh, exciting and that sounds nothing like me!!
Just before I go, I wanna give my love to Donna, who's going through a rough time right now due to an accident. Hope ya feel better soon hun, and as soon as ya do, that interview recording will be up on here!!
Hope you're all well. Miss ya all.
Friday, 11 September 2009
Tuesday, 8 September 2009
Seven months ago, I made a post on here asking all of you if you'd be interested in a series of audio interviews with other bloggers.
Here's the post.
I did get quite a few responses, but I wasn't able to start them as different things cropped upo, but now I'm determined and tonight I'm recording the first one, so please get in touch if you wanna be included.
The interview will be about your blog and what it was that got you blogging to begin with..plus a giggle on the way.
The first interview is with donna (nightmaremom), so I will post it as soon as it's finished!!
Wooooooo!! Soo excited!!
Sunday, 26 July 2009
Moment number 4
Star Trek: The Next Generation: Tasha's Funeral
This is by far my most emotional scene. It gets me everytime!! lol!
I remember watching this scene with the family in the living room when I was a kid. We were all in tears, and it still makes me cry now. They killed Tasha off at the end of the first season. In real life, Denise Crosby (Grand daughter of Bing Crosby) didn't feel her character was developing in the way that she wanted, so she decided to leave.
I think it's the music that's mostly to blame, but now I cry 'cos I remember watching it with the family when I was like 5 years old!! Oh man...I'm gonna watch this again right now and blubber like a baby!!
'Au revoir lieutenant' :-(
Thursday, 23 July 2009
It's been faaaar too long since I wrote in this thing. To be honest, I'm not sure why it's seemed so difficult to jot these things down. It just has!! I've never been much good at explaining myself.
As you all know, I do have a dramatic flare in me, but the stuff that's been happening lately needs no flaring..lol!
I've been to hell and back since May, but things are finally looking up.
I never said anything before, but me and Anthony were trying again with our relationship. Everything seemed fine for a while, but things fell apart and I reacted very badly to it.
I didn't realise how badly it all hit me until a few weeks ago. I found myself going to church a lot in the daytime, just to sit there and think. That's not so odd in itself, but I've never really been a religious person. I guess I'm still not, but I do regard myself as being very spiritual.
I was off work for 6 weeks due to stress, which actually began to affect me physically. I developed painful boils on my face, back and neck and I also developed an acute gum disease. The doctors and dentist all agreed it was all due to stress and exhaustion. I was put on tablets and steroids for everything, and I quickly began to feel much better.
I've been out on a few dates with some great guys, and even though they were lovely and STUNNING, I realised that I wasn't ready for anything other than friendship. I didn't even want to kiss anyone else, never mind sleep with anyone. I'm thankful for the new friends I've made though!
A few weeks ago, in an attempt to inject some new stuff into my life, I got a new job in an American 50's themes restaurant, which I loved, but they wouldn't let me take breaks, even after 7 hours, and they would never even give me a clock out time. They just made me stay until I was no longer 'required', so I've kissed that job goodbye..lol!! I'm still working as a youth worker, so I'm not unemployed, but I want something else as well as.
In fact, speaking of youth work, for the past two Wednesdays, we've had a gang of teenage lads coming into the youth club and destroying everything in sight and I've even had one lad even hold a stick to my neck.
Tonight was no exception either. The night began with a young person getting run over by a car intentionally just down the street. He was on his way to the youth club, but friends convinced him to call an ambulance (thankfully!). I have no idea what the story is with all that. Also tonight, I've been working closely with a young man (14) who's been expelled from school for sexually abusing an 11 year old boy. We've no proof of anything yet, but it's confirmed that he has been expelled from school for those reasons. We need to talk to the school and find out what's actually going on and we need to decide whether this young man should be allowed in our youth club with other people the same age. It opens up a whole new can of worms for me, as I've never dealt with this kind of stuff before! Tonight, it was my job to keep him safe from the other young people and befriend him to see what I could find out, but at the same time, I didn't really feel comfortable befriending someone who may have sexually assaulted an even younger boy. I have to keep in mind, until we speak to the school and police, we have no proof that he's actually done anything, although I think that the school MUST have good reason to expel him! I'm looking forward to getting to the bottom of this though!
Anyways, me and Anthony are now trying AGAIN with the relationship. I think the time apart that we've had has helped us a lot actually. It feels so much better this time around. We both agree on that! 7 years is a long time to throw away, so I'm glad that we're giving it another go after all.
I never gave my review of the new Star Trek movie. It was FRICKIN AWESOME!!!!!!!!! I loved it!!! I even gave in to my geekness and bought the model of the ship...lol!! Actually, I bought another one today too, and it's HUGE!! It cost £40, but it's worth it (to me anyways...I love these lil' collectible things).
I've also gotten really into my singing again lately. I've added a lot of new stuff to my myspace, which is:
Anyways, I'm trying to write about months worth of stuff here in one entry, so I'm kinda jumping from one subject to the next, so I'll wrap it up for now.
Hope you're all well! Back soon. I miss this place!!
Saturday, 30 May 2009
Thursday, 16 April 2009
In memory of the 96 people who were killed on April 15th, 1989, at the Sheffield Wednesday football (soccer) stadium in Sheffield.
Tuesday, 31 March 2009
How's it goin? Just thought I'd share my photo shoot with you.
This was 2 days ago and was sooo much fun, although I was freezing!! I kept throwin a jacket on while we moved around....lol!!
I felt a bit silly pulling those serious 'smell the fart' faces but it was awesome!!
These were taken for me to use for publicity stuff, like sending out demo's and stuff like that. I've got a friend who's helping me with all that stuff now, and I'm really excited bout it!! He wanted to use 'em for a myspace page he's made me for my recordings, although I wanna record better stuff for the page.
Thursday, 26 February 2009
I want to start doing a weekly audio interview session with bloggers here on blogger!
The idea is that I will be talking on audio via the 'Skype' chat programme (which is free to download), then we just call each other on there, chat away, record the whole thing, then upload it on to here with a page about that blogger. Kinda like 'This weeks guest' thing.
We'll talk about your lives, your blog and whatever else you fancy. It'll just be a laugh!!
I've spoke to Donna (nightmaremom) about it and she thinks it's a great idea, so she's agreed to be my first 'guest' to see how it all goes. I'm so excited! lol!
What do you guys think?!?
If I start sorting stuff out, how do I decide who to interview week by week? Obviously, I don't want it to JUST be friends of mine, so I'm not sure how to work that one out.
Saturday, 21 February 2009
A dream I had last night......it just happened. Not the same surroundings or situation, but somethin just happened that I dreamt last night, and it was precise! What the hell is goin on?! LOL!
I NEED TO DREAM OF THE LOTTERY NUMBERS!! haha!
Seriously though, what's goin' on?!
Something happened yesterday evening too. I was walking downstairs to ask Mom if she fancied walking to the store with me...........actually I dunno how to explain this. Basically, in a nut shell, I heard what she said before she said it.....probably 'cos I know her so well, but still....I knew what she was saying to her husband before I even got into the living room! Freaked me out. It's been like this ever since the day I was listening to the radio while I brushed my teeth at the sink.
Weird stuff keeps happening!
While we're on the subject of weird coincidences, I found it amazing that mine and Brandon's favourite numbers are right next to each other. My fave number is '310'. His is '311'. '310' is my birthdate....3rd October. Brandon has another reason for '311' being his fave number, but we just find it bizzare....lol!
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
I guess it's been a while since I read or even posted much at all. I miss it. I miss reading journals too..:-( I still think of this place as 'J~land' from the aol journals..lol!
I was stood brushing my teeth at the sink yesterday morning. I'd just gotten out of the shower. I was listening to 'Magic fm' on my lil' ducky shower radio thingy that sits on the shelf inside the cubicle. The reception isn't crystal clear but it's good enough! Anyways, the song ended and the DJ began talking bout the usual crap. Weather reports, traffic...etc.. Then he says "And tomorrow, we're gonna be focusing on artists who's names begin with the letter 'Q' ''. He mentioned 'Queen' with Freddie Mercury but then I lost reception for a few seconds. In those few seconds, as I had the tooth brush in my mouth, I thought to myself 'Ooh, what about Status Quo??! Actually, nah...that's an 'S' name. They wouldn't get away with it." Then, like 3 seconds later, the reception came back and the DJ said,"I'm thinking of playing something by Status Quo, but I doubt I'll get away with it". He repeated the exact words I'd just said to myself about the very same thing! OK, I know it's just coincidence, but still, it was kinda freaky.
Also, the night before last, I had a bizzare dream. I dreamt that my uncle Frank was rich and successful from his singing career and asked me to live at his house for a while to look after an elderly friend of his who wants to spend his remaining days with him. I said yes. The next thing I know, I'm helping this elderly guy up a long flight of stairs and then took him into the kitchen where I sat him down and then made him a drink. He started talking to me about his past. It was actually interesting, but then I got a phone call on my mobile. You'll never believe who it was. It was Elton John!! Apparently, he was also a friend of my Uncle Frank and found me attractive. He asked me out on a date!! LOL!!
Weird thing is, I haven't seen or heard from Frank for such a long time and I'm not even close to him so I don't even think about him to be honest.
Anyways.....there's a punchline.
When I woke up that day, my Mum told me that she was going round to Frank's old house to clean it out for my Uncle Henry. Straight away I thought "How weird. I've just dreamed about him and now today, he gets mentioned as soon as I wake up". Then later on, I was round at a friends house and someone asked me, "Did you read the paper about Elton John? Apparently he's told Jade Goody and her husband that they can live at his house to live out the remainder of her days" (Jade Goody is a Z list British celebrity who sadly only has a short time to live as her cancer has spread everywhere). I almost fell off my seat! I was like "Woah, AGAIN!!".
Infact, writing this, I've only just realised another connection to the dream. The fact that Jade is spending her final days at Elton's house, and in my dream, the old man was spending his final days at my Uncle's house! OK, me thinks I'm reading far too much into this..so I'll stop! lol!
Something else happened the other day too, but I wont talk about that yet. It was spooky! lol!
Got a few things I wanna write about soon. Gotta get a few things off my chest, but I'll leave you with this song that I recently discovered through a person that........well, I'm very much in love with. I'd never even heard of this band until he played it for me. The story behind this song is also beautiful. Check it out if you have time.
It's called 'Moments' by Emerson Drive.
Tuesday, 20 January 2009
Watch your thoughts; they become your words. Watch your words; they become your actions. Watch your actions; they become your habits. Watch your habits; they become your character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. ~ Frank Outlaw
Hey everyone. How's everyone doin?
It's been too long since I last posted. I've just been going through some stuff and lost track of a few things, but hopefully I'll be around more often from now on.
Truth is, I've been hurt bad by someone who I never thought was capable of hurting me. Aint that always the way? After 6 months, it all boils down to this.
So many lies!
I gave my heart completely and was willing to change my life, but that just wasn't good enough. Thing is, I can't hate him, no matter how hard I try. I'm so in love, it hurts. I hate myself for letting this happen.
I literally couldn't give any more of myself than what I did. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach.
He was the reason for this video, as it's one of his favourite songs.
So thanks to all of you for being patient with me, and I've appreciated the 'where are you?' emails. Thanks so much for caring. You guys are the best.
Hope you're all well, and happy new year!
I'll let Cher speak for me here. She hits it on the head!